The Pitfaills of Over-Scheduling
Achieving a balance between family life and kid's activities
By Jackie Duda

Swim team practices are at five-thirty in the morning. Piano and violin lessons are squeezed in after school on Thursdays. And if it's Monday afternoon, it must be soccer practice. Family dinners? A thing of the past. CCD instruction? Just another activity in the endless list of "things to do" to somehow fit into the week.

There are many reasons for the hectic pace of family life today. Part of the current frenzy is fueled by the array of choices available to children-many of which didn't exist twenty years ago. In addition, anxious parents are worried that without a laundry list of extracurricular activities, their child will be "left behind." The result: Swing sets, jungle gyms, and sandboxes that were once filled with laughing children now sit silent and empty, as kids are carpooled back and forth from one lesson to the next.

Parents indeed face conflicting feelings. They naturally want their children to learn new skills and thrive in a healthy, competitive environment that will prepare them to become successful adults. However, by taking advantage of all the choices offered today, many families can end up feeling overly stressed and helpless. How can families step off this treadmill so that they can spend time together, and yet still provide each of their children with the opportunity to develop his or her gifts and talents?

During the past few years, education and social science experts have raised red flags about the dangers of over-scheduling our children and our lives. These professionals stress the value of family time and offer suggestions for achieving that delicate and all-important balance between family life and children's outside activities.

The Need for Unstructured Time
Dr. William Doherty, professor of family social science and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, has been one of the most vocal opponents of what he calls the "competitive culture of parenting" that feeds the hyperactive schedules of families today. He warns that there are two basic problems with over-scheduling our kids.

First, children do not have enough unstructured free time in which to think, create, experience, and simply be kids. Instead, children are programmed to operate at a frenetic pace without the time to think freely and develop opinions and observations about the world around them.

Spending time reading under a tree on a warm spring afternoon or gazing at a beautiful sunset encourages children to become introspective thinkers and to experience the rewards of quiet relaxation. Simply "being kids" helps to relieve the stress that will all too soon bind these growing children to the hectic pace of the adult world.

Second, Dr. Doherty claims that family members do not have enough time to connect with one another, especially when the dinner hour and yearly vacations succumb to kids' increasingly demanding schedules. Television dominates the audio space in many households, even during dinnertime.

With the "entertainer" constantly taking center stage, "table talk" diminishes, and family members grow silent before the blare of the noise from the tube. Families need time to interact and get to know one another, to develop important social skills, and to create lasting relationships with one another through the close connective and bonding atmosphere of a family meal or getaway.

Unfortunately, notes Dr. Doherty, the adult world with its tight deadlines and demanding responsibilities appears to be encroaching upon the lives of our children. Referring to his new book, Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-Up World (Henry Holt and Company, 2002), Dr. Doherty believes this intensely competitive adult environment has steadily overtaken our children's lives. These adult expectations are creeping downward so that even preschoolers are coping with a packed schedule.

Evaluating the True Cost of an Activity
To avoid this problem, the author advises making decisions well in advance. Select an activity your child will truly enjoy and then carefully consider the time and financial constraints. If you want to enjoy family dinners at least four nights per week, take June vacations at the beach, or visit extended family, will travel baseball be the best choice for everyone involved? "On a scale of one to five," he suggests, "evaluate activities with respect to time and family invasion."

Dr. Doherty observes that when both parents work and in single-parent households, an overloaded schedule can edge out any time for families just to spend time together, whether it's around the dinner table or playing a board game. Parents who must work long hours often feel guilty, so they may attempt to alleviate their guilt by providing activities that will engage their children productively.

However, extracurricular activities should be viewed as optional. Parents should select those that will best benefit both the child and the family. As children grow older, they are most likely to remember enjoyable times spent with family members rather than all the structured activities in which they once participated.

The Harm of Over-Scheduling
Can the demands of over-scheduling actually have a harmful effect on children? Yes, says Dr. Karen Waldron, professor of education at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas, and author of Unleashing Kids' Potential: What Parents, Grandparents, and Teachers Need to Know (Robert D. Reed Publishers, 2001). Early burnout is one of the many side effects of a highly competitive, overbooked lifestyle. Children who participate in many different sports or activities can experience too much pressure to excel at everything.

In addition, Dr. Waldron maintains that children "can also come to feel that being skilled in an activity earns them their parents' love. If they perform poorly, they may feel they are jeopardizing their parents' affection and regard." These feelings can cause a lack of interest in additional participation, leading to a sense of isolation and depression.

Furthermore, the stress of too many activities can affect other family members as well. Very young children in the family can feel resentful when they are being constantly shuttled back and forth to older siblings' games and events and have no time to play at home with their peers or parents, according to Dr. Waldron. It may appear to the younger siblings that their older brother or sister is getting more attention.

To avoid these potential pitfalls, it's very important to set limits beforehand on the amount of time each child will spend on activities, homework, and relaxed family time. Select activities that encourage exploration of children's natural inclinations, she advises, as well as those that allow them to try new interests and have fun without feeling that they have to perform exceptionally well in everything.

Avoiding Childhood Stress
According to Dr. Adam Sedlock, a licensed family psychologist with a private practice in Uniontown, Pennsylvania, the experience of being always "on the go" is stressful for a child. "Everyone only has so much energy to devote to outside commitments, in addition to daily routines such as school and family engagements." And if homework or grades start to suffer, it's definitely time to drop an activity or two.
"Parents should try to remain neutral in allowing the child, regardless of age, to select an activity that is enjoyable," Dr. Sedlock advises. For instance, if you had your heart set on your six-year-old daughter taking ballet lessons but she develops a passion for basketball while expressing complete disdain for the little pink tutu, allow her to make the choice.

Sedlock recommends keeping activities in perspective and being realistic about time and family demands. Over-emphasizing outside events over family activities can give a child the idea that the bond of the family is less important.

Making Time for God
With time being a major issue, how can a parent squeeze in yet another block of time for weekly Mass attendance, CCD classes, or other church activities? By not spending enough time nurturing our children's spiritual well-being, we could be sending them the message that God and church are simply not of much value, making it difficult for children to grow into moral and spiritually mature adults.

Kurt Bruner, cofounder of Heritage Builders, a new ministry of Focus on the Family designed to help parents develop their children's spirituality, emphasizes that parents have the primary responsibility for providing spiritual instruction. The church's role is to provide parents with support.

Because of our busy lives, carrying out the parental responsibility for religious instruction can seem like an insurmountable task. Parents should be careful not to choose an activity that requires a great deal of Saturday evening or Sunday morning participation. It could jeopardize church attendance, spiritual instruction, or weekend family interaction. When selecting an activity, he advises, obtain as much scheduling information as you can in order to make an informed choice.

Balance Is the Key
No child can excel in all activities, which is why most professionals suggest finding activities that are fun for the child. Well-selected activities can nurture a child's natural inclinations and intrinsic talents, as well as provide an opportunity to develop lifelong friendships with others who share similar interests. Be realistic and allow time for the child, time for the family, and time for everyone to relax and enjoy one another.

Jackie Duda, a freelance writer, lives in Maryland with her husband and four children.